Bitch, I am the poppy

I hate this small talk section, let’s go

Urgh, Jools just absolutely smashed his new years outfit, which reads as brooding millionaire in a Daphne du Maurier novel, nursing a stiff whisky soda and generational wealth. He’s the living embodiment of whatever’s the opposite of Spotify sodding unwrapped. Eccentric and expensive are the happiest bedfellows. The blue suit and black shirt should not work. The tie verges on Cirque du Soleil. The shoes are Mr Tumnus tuxedo patents. And yet, AND YET.

Imagine this translucent crêpe paper in my size, with a good trouser, a slither of ankle, and those Mr Tumnus tuxedo patents. I’d be the delicious double act of amateur magician and glamourous assistant. Saw me the fuck in half! This dress reeks of a great night out. It’s the anticipation you feel in your spinal cord when you walk into the vestibule of a club, it’s sort of throbbing around you, like you’re coming up softly on pharmaceutical grade Ketamine. This dress turns up to Remembrance Sunday and says ‘bitch, I am the poppy’. I am honestly hypnotised by the washed-out-Babybel of it all.

Ps Kane’sgalaxy print, especially the nipple-flashingmesh vest,is forever in our hearts like Princess Diana.

It kills me to say I never copped this Loewe coat. I tried it on in the store and hugged me back like Daddy Warbucks, but I still dithered. It’s the kind of coat you throw on to get milk in wind and sleet and people gawp on the sidewalk, icicles forming at their eyes. Fuck special occasions. 2025 is the year of overdressing for errands. I want my off-duty wardrobe to be staunch! S-T-A-U-N-C-H.

It’s fucking cold and white vests are sexy. In a way, they’re better dirtier. Sweat tacos at the armpits, spaghetti sauce splatters, greasy handprints from a burly lover (he works with oil but not in a Stanley Tucci way). A man in a white vest is an aphrodisiac. He is oysters. He is Viagra. He is pistachio nuts (apparently).

Wasn’t gonna do all fashion this week, but I couldn’t help but wonder what colours Jonathan’s top is.