A goth Ferreo Rocher

I wrote this week’s top five in the throws of the most insidious Fashion Awards hangover. This is no so much a brag, as a cry for help.

Anyway

Sergio Chiappa-Catto, Angelo Cortesi & Carlo Torrigiani Aucuba bed

At my secondary school, this girl had a vibrating pen that drew in squiggly lines—it was absolutely begging to be sat on—and I think one was used to design this horny-ass bed. Imagine waking up in 1976 every morning in this stainless-steelwonder, your spine expertly decompressed, your mortal coil lubed as life continues to fuck you. This is the kind of bed a guy with alarming upper body strength throws you down on. He might be 5’7, but he identifies as 6’9.

Cawley shell hat

Ribbons for Christmas? Groundbreaking. And yet I love the impractical chutzpah of this Cawley number, it’s sparkly without the actual sparkles, a goth Ferrero Rocher. It looks like it’s been pulled from the ashes after Miss Havisham burned herself alive. This is Penny Crayon’s hat. It’s for a Beano character buying gobstoppers at the tuck shop. It smells of brandy butter in a good way. This hat is nostalgic for a time I don’t even remember. It has never known noise-cancelling headphones or a NutriBullet, it has never seen Instagram stats. This hat reads the news from a physical paper and retires to the drawing room. This hat has had quite enough of your bullshit.

Chin chin

I always said a bottle of great champagne is the perfect gift, everyone loves a nice bottle of champagne, don’t they? And then I started ribboning my Chin Chin.

Puzzle wash bag

This is a fantastic bit of green cow. I got the black one on a shoot and it instantly furthered the narrative I tell myself about being a man of the world, a seasoned traveller. Then the prickly pear colourway dropped, and though having two seems a bit mental, I still want two, a classic black and a green goblin. Despite what e-commerce retailers tell you, this really doesn’t work as a clutch. You will wind up being a girl with her washbag at a bar, and if that’s your thing I can’t help you.

Studio Nicholson coat

I’m in two separate WhatsApp conversations obsessing about this espresso coat. This is the coat for a man who never touches boxed sandwiches at his desk or chopped salad between his meetings. He arrives on time to sit-down lunch where the staff already know his order and add the bill to his account. He wears proper cotton boxers. He vacations at White Lotus properties. He nurses amber drinks. He’s rich, he’s a villain, what more could you want?